When do we say ‘No’ and when do we say ‘Yes’? Life often presents us with situations that require us to take a stand that shape the future course of direction. In such cases, as important as it is to take a stand, it is equally important to understand the context thoroughly before committing to anything.

‘Yes’ or ‘No’?

Have you ever found yourself trapped in a position where you are obliged to do something which you don’t want to? What do you do about it? Have you learned to say No? If not, now is the right time to start cultivating this habit.

We have been taught that etiquette requires us to say ‘No’ when someone asks for help. If you could be of help to someone, it gives you inner peace and self-satisfaction. Hence, rendering help is a noble deed and you should. When you help someone in need, you are likely to get help in return one way or the other. However, there are times when you see that you are the only one who is working hard, while your fellow mates are habituated to being served that they fail to return the favour. But that is a different story.

“Man is a social animal”. We live in a society where we consistently need to impress people around us, be it our family, friends, neighbours or colleagues. But if it is something that you don’t wish to, do not force yourself. By doing that you are portraying that you are not important and that anyone can get everything from you. Rosie Blythe, the author of ‘The Princess Guide to Life’ has stated that “Whether they’re family or friends, manipulators are difficult to escape from. Give in to their demands and they’ll be happy enough, but if you develop a spine and start saying no, it will inevitably bring a fresh round of head games and emotional blackmail. You’ll notice that breaking free from someone else’s dominance will often result in them accusing you of being selfish. Yes, you’re selfish, because you’ve stopped doing what they want you to do for them. Wow. Can these people hear themselves?!” It is okay to be selfish sometimes.

Every one of us has fallen under this category at least once. People have their reasons for not being able to say no. For instance, they fear that they would not get help in return, they don’t want to lose someone they love, they do not want to be rude, and they want to maintain a good image in society so that people speak well about them, or because they do not want people to think that they are incapable of doing that. In my case, I cannot say No because I fear the after effect.

Nonetheless, I would like to add that we should not say no always. That will be so wrong. If you think that you could help someone in need, you should. There is no greater joy than seeing someone happy because of you. The Bible says in Luke 6:38 that, “Give, and you will receive. Your gift will return to you in full—pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, running over, and poured into your lap. The amount you give will determine the amount you get back “and in Luke 3: 10-11 “What should we do then?” the crowd asked. John answered, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same” encourages us to help one another for we will be rewarded accordingly. But you should know when someone is genuinely asking for your help or exploiting your generosity. Because if you do not learn to respect yourself, no one will.

All these being said, should we continue to say yes? Don’t you agree with me that by doing this we are exhausting ourselves physically and emotionally? Is it fair? I say, it is okay to value yourself more sometimes. I came across a very beautiful quote which stated that “Putting yourself first is not selfish. Thinking about yourself constantly is selfish. Please respect the difference”. This quote speaks volumes. It inspires me to say no and not feel selfish about it at the same time.

Now, how can you say No without hurting anyone is a big question. There is no fast rule for this and people are still struggling to come up with the right method to tackle these situations. It all depends on you and the people you are dealing with. If they are someone who is worth having around, they will respect your decisions. The worst case scenario will be seeing them leave which is not a bad thing. In fact, I will say it’s a bonus. You don’t have to do the dirty work of filtering your surroundings. As quoted by Stephanie Lahart, “Let today mark a new beginning for you. Give yourself permission to say NO without feeling guilty, mean, or selfish. Anybody who gets upset and/or expects you to say YES all the time clearly doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Always remember: You have a right to say NO without having to explain yourself. Be at peace with your decisions”.

If you are someone who has got your priorities straight, then this article is not for you. In fact, we would love to hear from you but if you belong to that niche category who are still struggling to keep others happy keeping aside your own, then this is the right time to ponder on how you can make a difference. Let us start to value ourselves more and say No because we all deserve equal respect and love.

Degree of Thought is a weekly community column initiated by Tetso College in partnership with The Morung Express. Degree of Thought will delve into the social, cultural, political and educational issues around us. The views expressed here do not reflect the opinion of the institution. Tetso College is a NAAC Accredited UGC recognised Commerce and Arts College. The editors are Dr Hewasa Lorin, Dr. Aniruddha Babar, Noyingbeni T. Erui, Meren and Kvulo Lorin.
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